Transform Your Dating Life After Divorce

Know Yourself to Save Your Relationships: A Lesson from Divorce and Self-Discovery

Posted on October 8, 2025

Life has a way of throwing curveballs that force us to confront who we really are. Recently, a former nutrition coaching client reached out to me, his life unraveling as his marriage teeters on the edge of divorce. His email was raw, heartbreaking, and all too familiar. Seven years of struggles, amplified by the chaos of the COVID years, have left him and his wife at a loss for what to do next. As someone who’s been through a divorce myself—now nine months post-divorce—I’ve been there, grappling with the confusion and pain of a life that feels misaligned. But here’s what I’ve learned, and what I shared with him: You can’t fix your relationships until you know yourself. And knowing yourself starts with understanding your values.

The Power of Knowing Your Values

When life isn’t working—whether it’s a failing marriage, a stalled career, or a sense of being stuck—it’s often because you’re not living in alignment with your true values. You might think you know what matters to you, but if you’re struggling, there’s a good chance you’re not as clear as you believe. My client thought he had his priorities straight, but his email revealed a man lost, unsure of who he is or what he stands for. I’ve been there too, and the single most transformative tool that helped me reorient my life was a value system worksheet.

This simple exercise forces you to dig deep and identify what truly lights you up—what gets you into a flow state, that magical place where you’re engaged, challenged just enough, and fully present. If you’re not in flow, you’re not living authentically. And if you’re not authentic, how can anyone—your spouse, your friends, or even you—know who you are? Without that clarity, relationships crumble under the weight of mismatched expectations and unspoken compromises.

Why Self-Knowledge Is the Foundation of Relationships

In my client’s case, and in my own divorce, the root issue often comes down to this: If you don’t know yourself, others can’t know you either. Relationships—especially marriages—are a value exchange. Your partner needs to understand what you stand for, what you love, and what you won’t compromise on. Without that, you’re just going through the motions, giving up pieces of yourself in a “death by a thousand cuts” until you’re unrecognizable.

Take me, for example. I’ve loved cars since I was a kid. I’ll drive my Land Cruiser 20 hours across the country, pay for gas out of pocket, and camp on a mountain just to make a 10-minute YouTube video—or honestly, just for the memories. That’s me in my flow state: road trips, overlanding, the freedom of the open road. It’s not about impressing anyone; it’s about being fully myself. But for years, I tried to fit into molds that didn’t suit me—chasing fitness goals like a bodybuilder or obsessing over macros to look like a male model. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been lifting for 20 years and love bodybuilding, but it’s not my top value. Cars and coaching are. When I tried to prioritize things that weren’t truly me, I lost my spark, and my relationships suffered.

The Trap of “Shoulds” and Societal Expectations

Here’s where most people go wrong: they chase what they think they should value. Society tells you to work out, hustle for money, or chase status, but if those things don’t light you up, you’re fighting a losing battle. Maybe you’re a tech genius who thrives writing code or dominating video games, but you’re forcing yourself into a gym because you “should” be fit. Or maybe you love horticulture—growing plants brings you joy—but you’re trying to be someone else to impress a partner. That’s a recipe for misery.

Look at where you spend your time and money. That’s the real clue to your values. If you’re dropping cash on dinners and drinks, you might value socializing. If you’re investing in travel or car parts for your Land Cruiser (like me), that’s your passion. But if you say you want to get rich while spending every weekend at bars, you’re not being honest with yourself. Your actions reveal your priorities, not your words.

How to Rediscover Yourself

After my divorce, I pinned my value system worksheet to my fridge. I did it once, then redid it a week later because I realized I was still confusing “shoulds” with my true passions. Coaching is huge for me—I love helping people find their path, like I’m doing with my client now. But cars? That’s non-negotiable. I’m most confident, most alive, when I’m behind the wheel or sharing my automotive adventures. Fitness is great, but I don’t need to chase a six-pack to feel fulfilled. I’m 42, not training for a bodybuilding stage. I’m building a life that feels authentic.

Here’s how you can start:

1. Do a Value System Worksheet: Write down what you love, what you spend time and money on, and what makes you lose track of time. Be brutally honest. If you want my worksheet, email me at jaketiesler.com , and I’ll send it to you.

2. Find Your Flow State: What activities make you feel engaged and alive? For me, it’s driving my Land Cruiser or coaching clients. For you, it might be coding, gardening, or fishing. Whatever it is, lean into it.

3. Stop Compromising Your Core: Once you know your values, don’t sacrifice them to please others. Relationships built on faking it are doomed. You’ll attract people who respect you when you respect yourself.

Why This Matters for Relationships

When you know your values, you bring clarity to your relationships. My client’s marriage is breaking because he and his wife don’t understand each other’s priorities. He’s lost sight of who he is, and she likely has too. Without that foundation, every negotiation feels like a betrayal. But when you’re clear on your values—whether it’s cars, coaching, or growing plants—you set boundaries that others can respect. They’ll value you because you value yourself.

I’ve seen this in my own life. Post-divorce, I stopped trying to be someone I’m not. I embraced my love for cars and coaching, and it’s made me more confident and magnetic. People are drawn to authenticity. If you’re struggling in your relationships, whether it’s a marriage on the rocks or dating as a frugal, semi-retired guy like me, start with self-knowledge. It’s the only way to build something real.

Take the First Step

If you’re feeling lost, whether in a relationship, post-divorce, or just in life, it’s time to rediscover who you are. I’ve been through it, and I’m here to help. My one-on-one coaching can guide you to uncover your values and build a life that feels like you. Visit jtaso.com to connect, or email me for the value system worksheet that changed my perspective. Know yourself, prioritize your life, and watch how others start to see you clearly too.

What’s your top value? Drop a comment below, and let’s start the conversation.